Showdowns On Jeremy Kyle
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC! Today, Jeremy was booked in in Morganville. What happens between Amelie and Bishop, then with the miscommunication with Shane, Claire and Myrnin and just WHO is the father of Eve's baby? Find out in this fic! HUMOUR! R


_For Vitzy (as all my crackfics are now) & Hanzii… __**I'm sowwy for what I did**__! Also, bits of Amelie remind me of that Amme girl haha – do you agree?_

_I don't own anything_

_Ps… I did something similar in The Mortal Instruments, so have a look at that as well – it's on my profile, obs._

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"Hello and welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show, where we deal with _any_ problems that you may have," Jeremy announces to the audience which is a mix of vampires and humans. The fee he is getting for this gig is _phenomenal_… but he's going to be made to forget the vampires, of course.

He turns to face the far side of the audience, so they feel included, and continues his spiel. "First up on the stage is a woman with the name Amelie," he announces and they all whoop.

Jeremy turns around to see the blonde haired woman already sitting in one of the black leather seats with a disgusted expression on her face. "It is _Founder_, Jeremy; you commoners don't get that you don't have the _right_ to call me by my first name," she snaps in a voice lace with poison.

"I'm sorry but this is _my_ show and I decide that you are to be called Amelie to be more on equal level," he retorts, stunning her into silence – only because it would cause an entire MI6 investigation does she not stand up and kill him. "After all, you've come in here and took a little time off from being all depressed, so why not embrace modernness?" he continues, sitting down on the stage in front of her.

She shrugs and lets a tear fall from her eye. "I _do_ miss him, yes… ok, you can call me Amelie for today," she whispers and Jeremy takes her hand until she whips it away. "However, I draw the line at physical contact. Do you understand?" she snaps at him again and he nods, drawing himself away.

"Yes, Amelie, so why did you call us in here today?" he asks her gently, already knowing the answer but wanting her to tell the rest of the hall.

"I… I want to have a discussion with my Father and to close that chapter of my life," she says, confusing the majority of the crowd because Bishop is dead. "Myrnin has managed to create a machine that will bring him back in ghost form for a short period of time. This can allow us to have a final discussion and for you, Jeremy, to help me through it," she directs, as if _she_ is in charge…

"This is called the _Jeremy Kyle_ chat show, not the Amelie gives orders show, so let _me_ do the talking, okay?" Jeremy says sharply and she shrinks back in her seat. He moves from sitting by her feet to taking the armchair next to her. "Now, would you like to tell us all why it is that you hate your Father so much?"

She sighs and nods her head. "I began to hate him sixteen hundred years ago, when I was a small child. He killed my… he killed my _doggy_!" she wails, crying into a suddenly appearing handkerchief. "Then he killed my horsey and made me try and marry someone who I didn't like. Then he almost had me killed before he realised I would make a pretty great vampire. so he turned me into this before I was able to have my own child… so I hate him for that."

Jeremy reaches out to wrap an arm around her but then remembers what happened last time with the physical contact, so decides to leave it. "And there is more?" he asks and she nods.

"I managed to leave him but then I found out he had this book that I needed, so I killed him and rolled him into a grave to take it from him," she continues, brushing over her own violence. "I thought he was dead till he turned up the other year and then managed to get the town and the book. So we were in hiding for six months before… before… _he killed my Sammy_!" she wails the last part and soon Myrnin is sent from backstage to console her because he is the only one who isn't instantly sent away.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are bringing in the instigator of all this pain in Amelie's life – the ghost of Bishop!" Jeremy announces and people begin to boo, humans and vampires, as the elderly vampire/thing comes out on the stage.

"Amelie, _do_ stop whining, it isn't ladylike," Bishop tells her, his voice detached and entirely devoid of emotion. "Idiot jester who killed me, thank you for the short resuscitation to be able to tell my daughter that she is a whining idiot who ought to have died with the ginger nutjob," he snaps at Myrnin who growls.

"Be glad you're a ghost otherwise I would have destroyed you a _long_ time ago," Myrnin snaps but Jeremy gets in the way.

"Myrnin, go and get ready for your debut later on with Shane and Claire," Jeremy orders him so, with a heavy look, Myrnin walks away. "Now, Bishop sit down. Tell me _why_ you killed Sam," he directs this statement at Bishop, using an imperative verb because that is the only way you can get elderly vampires to take you seriously… true, you normally die but that's not always a bad thing when you're that close to a vamp.

"I killed him because it would hurt my daughter and I succeeded," he sighs, being sat down in his chair but sort of levitates because he has no mass to sit down in the chair in! "She's a snivelling mess who called me here because… why _did_ she call me here?" he questions the chat show host, who sighs.

"She summoned you here because-" he begins but Amelie, unsurprisingly, butts in.

"I called you here to tell you that I hate you but that you don't rule my life and that you never have," she snaps. "I no longer need your influence over me so once you are gone your name will never be spoken again. Nobody will ever even think of you. So goodbye, Bishop, and good luck in hell."

"Amelie, you have _got_ to understand that I am in charge, so _I_ say that it is time for him to go!" Jeremy snaps at her and she nods, standing up.

"I'm leaving anyway; _I_ am in charge of this town and my work is done… you have been of assistance… I suppose," she looks at him disdainfully as she walks away, the image of Bishop disappearing at the same time.

Jeremy sighs and realises he never had a chance of control there… maybe next time?

"And after the break, ladies and gentlemen, we have an accusation of cheating… Shane is accusing Claire of cheating on him with her boss, Myrnin," Jeremy says and the crowd applauds as the cameras go to ad break. "Urgh, I _hate_ this show…" he mumbles as he gets a drink…

… _(do you _really_ think I wouldn't do this one?)_ …

"Hello, we are back with Shane Collins, who accuses Claire Danvers of cheating," Jeremy announces, sitting down next to him as the show returns from break. "Shane, just _what_ makes you think that Claire is cheating on you?"

Shane sighs and shuts his eyes for a moment. "She spends literally _all_ her time in the lab," he says after a short pause. "I speak to her on the phone and she is giggling like she used to with me… she constantly talks about him when she is at home and compares me to him – which I _really_ hate… and the other day, she came home wearing one of his shirts!" he finishes on a shocking point which causes the audience to gasp collectively.

"And that has been going on for…?" Jeremy asks him quietly, wondering whether or not it is true.

"About two years now," he confesses and the crowd, once again, collectively gasps.

"Let's bring her on… Claire Danvers, everyone!" Jeremy proclaims as the petite, but extremely angry, woman emerges from the side of the stage.

"You prick, Shane, I love _you_… I've never cheated on you and I never would!" she screeches as she takes the seat next to him. "I had to bloody take a _lie_ detector test to prove something to you that you already know!"

"Babe, I… I don't know; I can't trust that you haven't done something with him and then be embarrassed," Shane says quietly.

"So, Shane, you don't _entirely_ believe that she has cheated?" Jeremy pounces on this thought track and questions Shane.

"About 90% of me thinks she has," he confesses and Claire gasps, swearing in her anger something which is too crude to be documented. "He is such a womaniser that I can't trust him," he explains that he thinks it is all Myrnin.

"Well, what if I told you that I was attracted to Myrnin?" Claire asks him rhetorically, causing him to sputter. "Just because you're blaming him all the time, what if I was attracted to him? I'm not _that_ much but…" she trails off, realising she has just confessed feelings for her boss.

Keen to avoid this part with Claire's confession – it's not scripted – Jeremy calls, "And it is now time to bring Myrnin on. Myrnin, ladies and gentlemen!"

The welsh god emerges with a swagger from behind the stage and moves to kiss Claire's hand in a deliberately antagonising way. This, of course, causes Shane to react and it is so violent that the security guard (Gérard, since Amelie loaned him out for the day – she needs the cash) has to step in to separate them.

"So, Myrnin, tell us, have you been having an affair with Claire?" Jeremy asks him, wondering whether or not the mad scientist (hello, rumours) will tell him the truth.

"Honestly, no," he gets straight to the point without any elaboration, so much so that Jeremy likes him instantly.

"And, Myrnin, could you tell us why you think that Shane thinks Claire has been cheating with you?" Jeremy continues, asking the nice question to Myrnin because they are new best friends. Of course, the friendship will only last until Myrnin gets hungry and snacks on his neck, but it's there!

"Because he is arrogant, self conceited, controlling – even worse than Oliver," Myrnin reels off without a pause. "He likes to think that he is the only one who has any place in Claire's heart and also… he has a small wiener," he whispers the last word conspiratively, so that the audience burst into laughter. Even Claire does because she is so mad at him, ignoring Shane's hurt looks.

"And Shane, why do you think that Claire is cheating on you with Myrnin?" Jeremy, to be fair, has to ask Shane this.

"Because he thinks he is the best thing on this earth since Amelie was born as he likes to sit up her ass," he snaps, causing the room to gasp. "He thinks he is the hottest thing to roam the earth since Brad Pitt-"

"I _am_ hotter than Brad Pitt," Myrnin butts in, causing Shane to shoot him a look that probably would have killed a human.

"He is obnoxious, arrogant, believes he is better than everyone else, a scientist so can rope Claire into his arms and seems rather charming… oh and he's a womaniser," Shane continues as if Myrnin hadn't interrupted, reaching out for Claire's hand.

"Get away from me, you turd," she snaps at him, angered he could think so lowly of her.

"Oh and he obviously loves her," Shane finishes, causing the room to gasp again – they need a better reaction.

"I know I do," Myrnin says unsurprisingly. "But I wouldn't act on it unless she made the first move… that's because I am no longer a womaniser," he sounds proud at the end and every person claps…

"Now, the lie detector results!" Jeremy announces, glad that he can get this part over with – it's getting a bit annoying, working with all these Morganville people who are just _so_ full of themselves! Besides Claire, of course; she is the only normal one. "As you know, I have not seen these, so I am as much in the dark as you are," he begins his usual spiel, something which makes them all sigh.

"_Yes_, Jeremy, we do watch your show," Claire snaps and he begins to reconsider his opinion of her.

"We asked Claire if she had ever kissed or snogged Myrnin… she said no… the test says she is telling the truth!" Jeremy announces and the room claps, causing Shane to turn a puce colour. "We asked Claire if she had ever had an intimate relationship with Myrnin… she said no… she was telling the truth!" he continues and the room claps again. "We asked Claire if she thought Shane was an ass… she said yes… she was telling the truth!" he says the last one and everyone but Shane cheers.

The man in the wrong ducks his head and runs from the stage, leaving his girlfriend with Myrnin.

"I was right," Claire says gleefully, but she doesn't confess that she does fancy Myrnin and wants to dump Shane for him… thankfully that wasn't a question.

"Thank you and goodbye," Jeremy says as the boss and the assistant leave the stage. "On after the break, we have a girl who confesses she is pregnant… but she is dating a vampire."

The cameras are turned off and he grabs out his phone to update his facebook status:

**Working with a bunch of people **_**worse**_** than the incestuous chavs in Newcastle. Someone save me!**

…

"We're back with Eve Rosser," Jeremy says with a forced smile as he sits down next to a girl who doesn't look that pregnant at the minute. "Eve, would you like to tell us what is going on?"

She sighs and nods, her eyes filling with tears. "Right, well, for a couple of years I have been dating this boy called Michael Glass who is a vampire… but… the other week I found out I was pregnant," she whispers. "I don't know what's going on," she continues.

"Let's get Michael out!" Jeremy calls, skipping the whole 'who could the father be' thing because, well, he isn't that interested and wants out of Morganville as soon as possible.

The blond angel steps out onto the stage and sits down next to Eve, taking her hand but it seems rather perfunctory. He seems distant with her and looks at Jeremy rather than her. "I don't know how she is pregnant but I insisted that I wanted this DNA test now to find out whether or not I am the father, if that is possible, before I raise the baby," he explains why he wanted a more dangerous in the womb paternity test.

"Eve, how do you think you are pregnant – not the obvious way but how with a vampire?" Jeremy asks her and she shrugs. Something in her eyes suggests to him that she knows but he doesn't press it.

"I don't know," she verbalises her feelings. "It could be a genetic mutation but I love Michael so much…" she trails off and Jeremy doesn't press her.

"Michael, if this isn't your baby, what will you do?" he asks the prospective (though it's not likely… looks like Eve has been a naughty girl!) father to be.

"I will kick it's mother out of my house and into the street for anyone to have," he snaps, his vampire side showing through. "Unfaithfulness is the one thing I could never abide in a relationship."

Eve gasps as the envelope containing the DNA results is handed to Jeremy who opens the envelope, not bothering with his 'I don't know the content'

"The DNA results show that Michael is _not_ the baby's father," he announces and there is a ripple of shock throughout the room. The blond angel rips his hand from Eve and places his head in his hands. "The father _is_, in fact, Shane Collins from earlier. It appears that _Shane_, not Claire, is the cheater in that relationship!" Jeremy continues, and Michael looks up with his eyes red.

"I'm going to kill him," he murmurs but the security – Gérard of course – grabs him and throws him back down…

… just as Claire, followed by Myrnin and Shane, emerges onto the stage. Eve rushes to her but Claire simply socks her in the face, her own flushed with anger. "You bitch! You slept with my boyfriend!" she yells at her ex-friend before turning to her now ex-boyfriend. "I could have forgiven you about thinking I cheated but for _you_ to have cheated? That is ridiculous…go be with your child!" she continues, slapping Shane across the face violently as he tries to grab her.

Myrnin grabs her and she cries into his shirt whilst Michael manages to get free from security and socks Shane in the face, causing the nose bone to smash into millions of pieces.

"Shane?" Claire says with a bitter undertone to her voice. "I lied earlier… I love Myrnin and I was going to leave you to be with him. I hate you," she continues before turning and kissing Myrnin with so much passion it _cannot_ be fake.

The audience bursts into applause whilst Jeremy simply sits down on the side and shakes his head. Then he stands up and begins to slip away until Bizzie, Amelie's assistant, stops him. "We need to book you for next week. Sam's back somehow so there's going to be a showdown between him Amelie and Oliver."

Oh _shit_…

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_Whatcha think?_

_Priddy pwease review… was supposed to revise history but… well… it's only the source paper… need 40/50 for an a* overall, so it's not bad_

_So review_

_Make it worth my while having written this!_

_Vicky xx_


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